It still sounds strange to say, but “you are not a couple anymore.” There has been a final point that has started a grieving process; that time you need to be able to adapt to the loss. In these first moments, volunteers abound who offer to accompany you, support you and even advise you about what you should or should not do to overcome it “as soon as possible.”
And you let them say, talk and comment, looking for some idea to cling to that you think is a good plan to relieve your pain, although deep down you know that you have no choice but to accept the emotion that is invading you.
They have left you, or you have left it by agreement, the reality is that you have dislodged your life, your plans, your routines, etc. There you are, with your house and your mind moving to an unknown land, migrating to a new uncertain state, which creates even more anguish.
What to do after a breakup?
Among this disorientation, uncertainty, sadness, and questions, you get up every day thinking when you will be better or if you should be better. The certain thing is that the duel is a process that can extend in the time (1 year or even 2, although it varies of a people to others) and it is not possible to happen off the page as fast as you would like in these moments.
What you can do is choose how to deal with this break: Do you make it easy or do you put more obstacles in your recovery? There are things that depend on you, and this is one of them. Beware of actions that can make the break more painful and that you get stuck without being able to move forward.
Let’s look at some of those dangerous behaviors, which is better not to do if you want to go towards overcoming:
Deny, disguise or hide your pain
While it is true that you can prefer, especially at the beginning, a time of solitude for you, without having to explain to anyone, so is the fact that externalize your pain to some degree will help you digest what has frustrated you or damaged.
As I explain in my ebook “How to overcome a break with the thought”, the pain that is hidden, or even denied, is incubating latently until in an instant, when you least expect it, reappears disproportionately, unjustifiably or as a manifestation in our organism (psychosomatic diseases)
So choose the person with the ones you want to share your feelings, the context where you want to talk, and the way to do it. You decide how, when and what, but do not let the suffering sink in. Let it come out naturally, at your own pace. Allow yourself to complain, and externalize your sadness, your doubts, your anger, and your pain.
And if you do not find who, or you just do not feel understood, consider the possibility of seeking professional psychological support, someone who can guide you in these first moments without judging you.
Periodically call your ex to review his decision or give you another opportunity
When the step of breaking the relationship has been taken, it is because other alternatives have already been contemplated, other attempts have been made to solve it, etc. You have to be consistent with the decision made. Once again, the only thing that contributes is to delay the acceptance of the new situation and to generate states of anxiety in the face of ambiguity.
If it has also been your ex who has decided to end the relationship, by contacting him frequently to question his decision or ask him to come back with you, he is likely to feel overwhelmed and tend to avoid you.
This is what is called psychological reactance: an emotional reaction just contrary to the other asks, the result of feeling pressured or restricted in their freedom. Therefore, the more you insist, the more resistance you will find in the other.
In any case, remember that not everything is valid. What’s the point of your ex coming back to you for grief, pressure, or because you have to remind him of the good of your relationship periodically?
In a couple of relationships, both are chosen. It is not a purchase-sale in which it is one that has to persuade and the other accept or deny.
Put the focus of all your thoughts on your ex-partner
Up to a point, it is normal that you catch yourself reliving the scenes that you have lived, or thinking about the person with whom you have lived so many things. As time passes, these thoughts will diminish, unless you do things that transform them into obsessions, such as:
- Ask, investigate and investigate what your ex is doing, with whom you are related, if you will have a partner, what your current life is like, etc. Collecting data in an obsessive way can seriously harm you when it comes to making healthy grief.
- Invest hours and hours in guessing how your partner may be acting, thinking or feeling. Give up reading your thoughts and punish yourself with those questions.
- Rewind your story constantly and contaminate all your conversations with the theme of your previous relationship. This makes it extremely difficult to be able to motivate you to do other things.
Transform the bond into friendship overnight
The relationship you had has disappeared. A prudential time is necessary so that each one, individually, can adapt to the change.
It is true that there are couples who, after leaving, can preserve their friendship, but this does not happen overnight.
Forcing you to talk and stay with your ex as often as you did before, makes acceptance difficult. Behind these behaviors, there is usually a fear of being alone, of losing contact with the person with whom you have shared so many things, of facing the loneliness of the first moments, etc.
A couple is a very specific bond and very different from friendship, transforming it is possible, but of course, it takes a job and a time.
A nail drives out another nail
Beware of applying this saying as a solution to your pain. If you think you skip the duel looking for a substitute, you are very wrong. Searching urgently for a new partner will increase the likelihood that you will choose someone at your side from the fear of loneliness, and embark on a new relationship that is predisposed to failure from the start.
Also, you will have deprived yourself of the opportunity to develop skills of strength in the face of frustration and the image that you will return to yourself will be of weakness.
Sooner or later, you will have to grieve and accept the pain of what you have lost. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can get a positive learning experience.
If you have identified with some of these behaviors, do not blame yourself, but consider the possibility of letting yourself be helped by a professional. You do not have to pass it alone.